The "Back When I Was 11" Chapter

Thank you Decorah for the inspiration and scenery :) 

I wrote most of these in my head on the 2-hour drive back home earlier today. I'm amazed I didn't crash.

See you in January (when I'm actually 23).

Enjoy!!

1.

You didn't say a word

you didn't have the decency

you wanted to live out in the world

a better one, without me.

Now my body feels empty

broken till the day I die

And the old men say

he done and did an Irish goodbye

you didn't leave a crumb of waste

not even a shadow of you

not a single speck out of place

just painted my curb-less town blue

now my body feels wasted

hollow as a crescent moon

and the gray widow's gossip

he done and did a number on you

apologies are foreign tongues

on his lips of steel and bone

highway 52's made a mark on me

growing cold as the songs grow old

you're gonna hate me

when I finally spill the truth

on pages of ivory, 

I was so in love with you

dozing to your heartbeat

jumps through miles of bedspreads

the purity I treasured most

was just a lark to you instead

Blue-Ribbon eves fade to Sundays

when your regrets started creeping true

and the cold beers on the counter say

you know he done and did a number on you 

the gold lush fades to rusted

edges in it's restless way

and the eyes I once so trusted

shift from warmth to an endless gray 

now my ardor feels driftless

signed over at the Palace of Versailles

and the old men say

he done and did an Irish goodbye

fine lines start to wrinkle

yet your names still tattooed in my soul

never thought of love to be sinful

jagged rust that once gleamed as gold

now my love feels tragic

sallow in my heart and veins

yet the gray widows gossip

Highway 52's never gonna feel the same

2.

Morning light comes and goes

and in the evening stars, I see

you never had the good intention

of treasuring me

and it's a bittersweet taste

of your breath on my lips

Maleficent had it right,

true love is a myth 

fourteen moons wax and wane

but late summer tastes the same

weathered storms of acid and rain

in hopes of redemption one day

and it's a bittersweet sight

of your back to my door

I had it right, 

love always brings war

but there's an opal in your eyes

silver to your teeth

poison in the skies,

now there's poison in me

and there's a sickly sweet pride

in goading in your grief

and it's a bittersweet touch

of a fleeting fantasy

I had it right

love rarely brings peace

3.

you said I was the light of your life

Oh, but how I longed to be your sun,

make it a few more trips around,

just a few more trips than 1.

4.

Back when I was 11, I fully believed

true love was a myth that never graced my family.

short curly hair with faded freckles and smiles,

no sense of fashion or the passing of time 

killed my time by being late to school

watched my mom move out and bring me with too.

Sundays spent alone in a new house,

learning how to love cause I never knew how

since the days of homecoming week, I've learned a few things and lost a few too

but the greatest loss in my 23 years was you

back when I was 15, I made a solemn vow

to never fall in love cause I didn't know how

Friday Night Lights and drop-offs at noon

strumming old guitars to the same seven tunes

Ferris Wheel spins and a broken nose

trying to fit in all my sister's old clothes

spent my free time counting my calories

got cheated on by my boyfriend "accidentally"

since the days of learning how to drive, I've been killing my time by writing 'bout a life

where eventually in my 23 years, I'd be his bride

back when I was 19, I was lonelier than ever

'till a guy with gold eyes read my break-up letters

showed me how to love while driving through sunsets

spent every waking moment at the side of my best friend

never loved someone so much or fallen so fast

felt on top of the world until I broke my back

watched my life slip away in a heartbroken blur

I've yet to feel a pain that burned worse.

since the days of stitches and blood, I've been let down more times than I can count

and in my 23 years, I made another vow

to never fall in love again, cause I still don't know how.

Now that I'm 23, I've tried to bury the hatchet

took the old love letters and a couple of matches

cut the residual feelings and the invisible string

we don't know each other anymore, but I can buy you a drink

Now that I'm 23, I understand it all a bit better

forever doesn't always have to mean forever

I had the best half a decade of my life with you

even though our Forever fell through.

the end!

5.

every autumn reminds me of you,

all of my burnt oranges to your royal blues. 

I should've called your bluff when you said I was enough

I think what you meant to say is that I was too much

I don't know how to be

Now, I don't know how to be

Who can I be?

6.

I like speeding on the drive home. 

I want you to still call me and tell me to slow down

because you don't want to lose me.

And part of me thinks that the more I push the pedal,

the sooner you'll come back.

Delusional, right?

Reckless.

If it still hurts by the time I'm 24,

then I don't know what else to do.