The Frankenstein Chapter

These pieces are different takes on the same universal event, and how the many, many, different emotions I hurtled and bounced between made me feel about the reality of it all. It was truly a mess, a sloppy concoction of misshapen pieces thrown together into some grotesque illusion I wanted so badly to be real (hence Frankenstein). Some of the POV's from this chapter include contempt & incredulity, acceptance & forgiveness, and the deepest longing and confusion. Life is the grayest of grays I've witnessed yet. I bounced off the bottom of the well and started digging. 

Enough of the nonsense;

#1

I suppose my life had to have ended so yours could begin. 

I suppose I no longer was the buoy, but the lead weights chained to your ankles in the rain-filled quarry we used to drive to. 

And on those nights when I've had just a little too much Riesling to drink,

I like to lie down on the edge of a snowbank and let the bridge down.

And suddenly I'm hurtling down every hallway, through every alleyway, over every slope of this valley, and grinding to a halt at every pitstop you ever made with me. It's oddly comforting that I can still visit home in my mind. 

And it only took me the better part of 3 years to understand that so many malevolent creatures can place innocent smiles on their face and use love- or admiration or adoration or appreciation or any number of those feelings of gratitude and appraisal and belonging we all grow too greedy and selfish for- as a nametag to conceal their true natures. Ignorance, indifference, and insincerity were all up your sleeve. Apathy masquerading as content and caring.

How could you not feel a shred of guilt for what you did to me? Are you too high on your throne to see the damage you've done, forever settling to turn the other cheek? Will I ever be anything more than a forgotten face to so many? 

I do feel pity for who I thought you were, but I am thankful that I never had an idea of who you actually are.  

I've spent many, many bottles and band-aids trying to sew and patch up the scars on my skin, all the bumps and divots. Prosthetic hearts beating in borrowed ribcages. 

#2

Will time ever truly heal a plague like this

or have I been lying to myself, to begin with?

Too many thoughts that were all a miff.

Yet I never knew which face I could believe in.

Was it the one who'd gaze with greedy eyes like I was the gold prize, 

or the one who killed everything I've been trying to become?

The one that wanted me to be better for you and then made it a crime.

It's a little amusing to say that I ended up walking away with nothing but a participation ribbon to mark the nights I thought I found something to be happy about. 

I have wholly and unreservedly given up on ever becoming whole again in the same sense.

I have no energy to pick up the ribbons and tie little bows over the band-aids, so I'll let them lay on the floor in their broken spiderweb. 

#3

If I were still there, would it have changed anything?

Would any pang of regret or remorse bubble in your stomach if you were to see me still hobbling up and down the same old lonely staircases?

Alone, bent over in tears in the corner booth, untouched forks sitting idly by watching the spectacle of a moronic girl holding on to something that never existed.

The same ugly mess who ran away all those months ago when she was told to leave.

I admit it would be a humourous scene; pathetic, but amusing. 

No.

I could never be important enough to warrant a second thought.

I've learned that now. 

Tell me, Dr. Frankenstein, are you proud of the monstrosity you've created?

There will be plenty of other sadists who will look just as fondly upon the smoldering ruins of someone's peace and happiness.

I did not deserve to be so unceremoniously desecrated because you were lonely. 

You have always hated me. 

#4

This is the part where you were supposed to apologize. Even the Dr. was disgusted eventually. 

Of course, he had some morals. Deep, deep down. 

I think. 

I almost wish I could take back every time I showed you I loved you. 

#5

Life changed after you. I was no longer in any rush to any class because I knew I wouldn't be meeting you afterward. There was no need to be looking around because I knew you wouldn't be looking for me. There was no need to venture out of my bed because nothing was greeting me on the other side of the door. 

There was no need to answer my phone because I knew you'd never call. There was no point in hoping you'd change your mind because I knew you were never coming back the second you uttered goodbye.

And so on it went; life became duller and duller with no urge to do anything but nothing at all. 

Life completely changed after you, there was no more fire in my heart, no more energy racing through my veins, no more warmth in my voice. I had no reason to fill my lungs with laughter. I had no reason to put on makeup, much less a smile, only to brave the world alone- because with your absence burning freshly in my lungs from screaming out how much I hated how you could leave me, I was completely and utterly alone for the first time in my life. I had no reason to continue being me nor to continue on the path that always lead back home. Back to you. 

No road trip enticed me, no movies excited me, and no music made my heart leap. No efforts to remove my heart from the ugly black mud it had nestled itself in were ever successful. Life was, in short, bleak. Devoid of colour, as it had felt that half of me had been killed in some horrible car wreck that was never supposed to have happened, and the other half walked away, ugly and bleeding, a wick half burnt. I was ripped in two. Life changed. I wanted to run from every party I attended, from every hand I shook and bar I closed down, and run right into the arms of my safe house. To run from all the shadows of the world into the tingly warmth you gave me so effortlessly. I wanted to run until my lungs burned just as much as you used to make the fire in my heart rage. I wanted to run to you. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to come home. 

How could life ever be the same without half of my heart beating alongside me?

I have been permanently extinguished. 

It's been a weird couple of months.