8.30.21

 I’m going to preface this by saying that losing you was like losing family. 

 I’d never thought I’d be here. I’d never thought I’d be on your bottom rung, your last straw, or last pick for your team. I never thought I’d be sitting in my twin bed at night feeling so unbelievably lonely because I couldn’t text you some stupid image of a cat or something. I didn’t think you’d want me out of your life, like I wasn’t worth holding on to anymore. Of course, there’s no shame in being wrong about things because you ~learn from your mistakes~ but, I never thought I’d be one of yours. I wanted to be someone you could confide in, and make fun of, and laugh with, and make an impact on your life, and to suddenly not be any of those is leaving me so completely lost and confused, questioning my worth as a friend to everyone. I don’t know what to do with myself because everything comes back to who I was with my friends, with the people I wanted to watch grow with the mere 4 years I had with them. To say I miss you is an understatement, because I also miss the me that was brought out when I was surrounded by the people I love. 

The thing about this goodbye is that I miss you in every moment because I no longer have my circle. I want nothing more than to pick up my phone and tell everyone about how I fell down the stairs (again), but that’d be just another problem of mine to weigh on their shoulders. All of the things about me that used to make you laugh made you slowly hate me, and I don’t know how to come to terms with any of it. I could apologize endlessly for being who I am and it would never change the fact that you grew tired of who that is. And all this does is tell me there must be something wrong with me if every moment suddenly didn’t mean anything to you. I don’t know, I’m sure if I actually told someone this story they’d tell me I dodged a bullet, but all I feel is though there’s something wrong with me that killed one of the best friendships I’ve ever gotten the chance to build. 

I don’t know who to be now because so many of the parts I liked best about me died every night I was told I was too much or nothing at all. I go to bed every night wishing I could erase parts of me because I literally shattered one of the best things in my life. I can’t say “I’ll never forgive myself” because that’s far too dramatic but the blame I’m handing myself would be nothing short of heartbreaking to anyone who peeked into my mind.

I’m gonna miss you so much. You helped this place feel like home. One of the best things to come into my life and now I’m left without a friendship that helped me in so many ways. Maybe it really did run its course, or maybe I’m just not meant to be in this town. All I know is that I really miss you. Perhaps the part that stings the most is that I know you don’t miss me. Is that you changed so quickly on me, that I went from being one of your closest friends to someone you didn’t even want to look at, and there’s nothing I could do to fix this. I can’t make you miss me, I can’t make you want to text me back, I can’t make myself be anything to you anymore. I went from being the only spark in your life to just another name in your phone.

So I can watch your name slowly slip from my phone, I can unpin it so it’s easier to watch it go, but I’ll always buy the Colgate brand because you told me it was better, I’ll always check the models of every shiny truck, I’ll laugh every time I see a toad, and I’ll remember every word to our favorite Morgan Wallen songs. 

Gone are all the moments of the old me.

RIP Rachael Annie.